God gives the husband the role of authority and responsibility in the marriage covenant. He is to faithfully, lovingly lead his wife in a responsible manner, not to dominate her, but to care for and protect her.
Scripture presents a pattern of loving leadership for husbands to follow: “The husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” (Ephesians 5:23–25).
As a husband, your actions are a deciding factor in whether or not the marriage is successful. By seeking to demonstrate love and Godly leadership in the following areas, you will help preserve your marriage and honor the vows you made to God and to your wife.
Among all the people, things, and activities in a husband’s life, when he makes his wife his first priority, he honors God’s design for the marriage relationship. “. . . He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: but he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife” (I Corinthians 7:32–33; see also Ephesians 5:25).
Your wife perceives what delights your heart, and she is keenly aware if your interests in other people or activities begin to rival her place in your affections. If you are preoccupied with your job, a hobby, or another relationship, your wife will begin to feel insecure.
One of your most significant tasks is caring for the spiritual needs of your wife and children. When you seek after God and take time for spiritual disciplines such as prayer, Bible study, fasting, witnessing, and memorization and meditation on Scripture, you will be nourished spiritually and equipped to lead your family in seeking after God.
If you show a lack of interest in being a spiritual leader, your wife may hesitate to place her full confidence in you. She may seek spiritual leadership from others or shoulder the brunt of this responsibility herself.
Most wives have deep fears and emotions that they have never shared with their husbands. Your wife may shy away from exposing her deepest feelings to you because she feels guilty for having fears, she hopes the fears and emotions will pass, she wants to avoid your teasing or rejection, she desires to reduce your burdens, or she knows that you don’t have solutions.
Your wife may try to find out how you will respond to her fears by telling you about another woman who has the same problem. She will watch to see if you have compassion, understanding, patience, and practical help for the situation before sharing her own struggles.
After listening to her first response, ask, “In addition to that, do you have any other feelings about it?” Give her time to think and speak. Patiently take in her answers.
Words of praise should focus on inward qualities that a person is developing and demonstrating. Praise differs from flattery, which is often spoken with hidden motives for gain and highlights physical features over which a person has little or no control. Praise will motivate a woman to pursue Godliness, while flattery may cause her to stumble. (See Proverbs 29:5.) “Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised” (Proverbs 31:30).
Self-control is key to your relational success and your ability to protect your wife and family. In Scripture, King Solomon warned, “He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls” (Proverbs 25:28).
Lust and anger are two areas where most men are vulnerable to temptation and defeat. Moral impurity will leave you with a weight of guilt that often erupts in angry outbursts toward your family. These sins severely damage your relationships with your wife and children.
To overcome the cycle of defeat, you must live in the power of Jesus’ victory over sin [4]—including the sins of lust and anger. As you confess your sins [5], repent, receive forgiveness and cleansing, and walk honestly with God, you will become more like Christ and reflect Godly purity and patience in your relationships with others.
This I say therefore, and testify in the Lord, that ye henceforth walk not as other Gentiles walk, in the vanity of their mind, having the understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God through the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart: who being past feeling have given themselves over unto lasciviousness, to work all uncleanness with greediness.
But ye have not so learned Christ; if so be that ye have heard him, and have been taught by him, as the truth is in Jesus: that ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; and be renewed in the spirit of your mind; and that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness. . . .
Be ye angry, and sin not . . . . Grieve not the Holy Spirit of God . . . . Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you. Be ye therefore followers of God as dear children: and walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savor (Ephesians 4:17–5:2).
If you lack discipline over anger and harbor moral weakness in your life, your wife’s admiration and respect for you are greatly damaged. Without the redemptive, healing power of God at work in your heart and life, it is only a matter of time before your relationships deteriorate.
Wives are alert and sensitive to what their husbands look at, yet many husbands are oblivious to the betrayal that wives feel when their husbands stare lustfully at other women. Out of obedience to God and love for your wife, guard your heart and mind from lust and your eyes from sensual images.
If you view pornography or look at women with lust, you succumb to the bondage of sin and pave the way for the decline of your marriage. In God’s Word, there are many warnings and admonitions for men to guard their hearts and control their eyes.
Your wife will be deeply wounded if you lust after and delight in the appearance of other women. She will feel devalued, betrayed, and compromised. Her sense of self-worth and self-respect will weaken and she will become envious of other women and insecure in your marriage. Because of her grief, she will not be able to respond to your affection.
A wife finds security and fulfillment in wisely managing her home and family. When a significant event or change is about to affect your family, your wife needs sufficient time to mentally and emotionally prepare for it.
Be sensitive to your wife’s needs. She may become insecure, apprehensive, and bitter if you are inconsiderate of her need for time to adequately prepare for major family changes.
Women tend to be quite attentive to details and they find pleasure in investing extra thought, time, and effort in special meals, gifts, or events for their husbands. In turn, it brings them great joy when their husbands enjoy and appreciate what they have done.
Do not be insensitive to the special things your wife does to please you. Recognize her efforts so that she will not be disappointed and subsequently seek admiration and praise from others.
There is a time and place for discussing changes that may need to be made in your wife’s attitudes, language, mannerisms, conduct, or money management. However, the worst way to go about correcting your wife is to do it in front of other people. Instead of resolving a problem, this approach creates more problems.
If you make public jokes or cutting remarks to emphasize something you dislike about your wife, her sense of self-worth will be damaged. She will most likely want to publicly retaliate.
Sometimes God gives a wife special insight that He does not give to her husband. It is important for your wife to share her cautions and for you to listen carefully.
If your wife sees that you disregard her cautions, she will be hurt and often will refuse to share any further insights with you, no matter how valuable they may be. By neglecting to listen to the cautions of your wife, you will most likely face the consequences of a faulty business decision and a damaged marriage.
Fathers and mothers must work together to provide consistent discipline for their children. “My son, keep thy father’s commandment, and forsake not the law of thy mother: bind them continually upon thine heart, and tie them about thy neck. When thou goest, it shall lead thee; when thou sleepest, it shall keep thee: and when thou awakest, it shall talk with thee. For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life . . .” (Proverbs 6:20–23).
The “law” of the mother should clarify and illuminate the “commands” of the father. For example, a father might say, “I want you to keep your room clean.” Then the mother would explain how to do it: “Put your clothes here and your toys there.” Together, the parents lead the children to fulfill their instructions.
Many family conflicts develop if parents disagree about child training techniques or if they are inconsistent in discipline. As the father, you should take leadership in this area and provide direction for your wife and children. If you give the children a command and then fail to reinforce the corresponding rules that your wife gives to carry out the command, she will feel betrayed and blame you if the children rebel.
Your wife wants to know that you cherish her. One of the ways you can demonstrate genuine love is to practice good manners. When you are aware of your wife’s presence and honor her with your attention, she is assured of your love and protection.
Which of the following manners do you consistently practice?
If you want to work on developing manners, tell your wife about your goal. Ask her to assist you by patiently waiting for you to open the door, standing by her chair as she waits to be seated, and gently reminding you of other ways that you can show courtesy to her and to others.
Even small steps of love and consideration will bring joy to your wife. However, keep in mind that the manners you develop should be carried out consistently. If you treat your wife like a queen one day and neglect basic manners the next day, she will feel insecure and may resist your attentions so that she will not be disappointed and hurt in the future.
Your humility and sincerity will greatly influence how your wife and children respond to you. If you willingly admit that you are wrong and ask for forgiveness when you have offended the family, their respect and love for you will grow. Your example leads them to live responsibly as well.
When you do not both admit your failures and ask forgiveness for them, your wife and children react to your pride. They lose respect for you if you are not honest and upright in your relationships. If offenses are not addressed, your relationships are bound to become unstable. “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap” (Galatians 6:7).
The Apostle Peter admonishes husbands to live with their wives “. . . according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered” (I Peter 3:7).
Take time to demonstrate your love with words and actions. You won’t regret this investment in the success of your marriage!
This material is adapted from pages 61–70 of the Training Faithful Men Resource Manual [6].
Links
[1] https://iblp.org/questions/what-should-we-do-family-devotions
[2] https://iblp.org/questions/how-should-i-share-spoken-blessings-children
[3] https://iblp.org/programs/daily-success/program-overview/character-qualities
[4] https://iblp.org/questions/how-can-i-gain-victory-over-impure-thoughts
[5] https://iblp.org/questions/what-basic-steps-should-be-taken-order-gain-clear-conscience
[6] http://store.iblp.org/products/MRM
[7] https://iblp.org/commands-christ/command-33-honor-marriage
[8] https://iblp.org/character-qualities/diligence-vs-slothfulness
[9] https://iblp.org/character-qualities/love-vs-selfishness
[10] https://iblp.org/character-qualities/responsibility-vs-unreliability
[11] https://iblp.org/basic-life-principles/success
[12] https://iblp.org/basic-life-principles/responsibility
[13] https://iblp.org/question-topics/family
[14] https://iblp.org/question-topics/marriage
[15] https://iblp.org/life-roles/partner
[16] https://iblp.org/question-tags/marriage
[17] https://iblp.org/question-tags/husband
[18] https://iblp.org/question-tags/spouse
[19] https://iblp.org/question-tags/actions
[20] https://iblp.org/question-tags/preserve-marriage
[21] https://iblp.org/question-tags/authority
[22] https://iblp.org/question-tags/responsibility
[23] https://iblp.org/question-tags/love
[24] https://iblp.org/question-tags/wife
[25] https://iblp.org/question-tags/leader
[26] https://iblp.org/question-tags/praise
[27] https://iblp.org/question-tags/manners
[28] https://iblp.org/question-tags/lust
[29] https://iblp.org/question-tags/anger
[30] https://iblp.org/question-tags/consideration
[31] https://iblp.org/question-tags/understanding
[32] https://iblp.org/question-tags/patience
[33] https://iblp.org/questions/can-hopeless-marriage-be-restored
[34] https://iblp.org/questions/how-can-wife-help-preserve-her-marriage
[35] https://iblp.org/questions/how-do-hurts-hinder-communication-my-spouse