The sixth description of covenant love in I Corinthians 13 is “charity doth not behave itself unseemly.” What does it mean to behave unseemly? How can we reflect the love of God in our marriage by giving heed to these words of instruction?

The Greek word here translated “unseemly” is ἀσχημονέω (aschemoneo). It comes from two root words, ἀ “not” and σχῆμα “form.” When put together, the word formed literally means “not formed” or “deformed.” To behave unseemly in marriage is to have a “deformed” or “ugly” marriage—a marriage that does not reflect the pattern that God has given us in His Word.

In the few other places that this word is used in the New Testament, it is used to describe sexual impurity in thought, word, and deed. True love that springs from a pure heart is seemly. To use an old phrase in place of seemly, one would say it is “becoming” to a man or a woman to love one another in a pure and modest way. However, to go outside the bounds of what is becoming is to behave unseemly. How can we apply this instruction to our own marriages?

Avoid unseemly public displays of physical affection

Some things that are becoming in one setting are unbecoming in another. We all understand this concept in matters of etiquette. When a person dines with the head of a government, he will eat slowly and carefully, wear formal attire, and use forks and spoons correctly. However, if eating at a campfire cookout, he will not be as concerned regarding how he eats his meal, his attire will be informal and casual, and cutlery may or may not be used!

The same idea is also applicable in marriage. Physical affection can be bestowed in the privacy of a home in a different way than it is displayed in a public setting. According to Ecclesiastes 3:5, there is “a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing.” As husbands and wives who reflect the pattern of Christ, we would do well to be careful that our behavior is always seemly.

Avoid unseemly emotional attachments outside of marriage

One tragic pitfall that has ruined many a Christian marriage is when either spouse develops a close emotional bond with someone outside the marriage. Many Christian women have found a listening ear or a sympathetic heart in a pastor or teacher that they admire and trust. Similarly, many Christian men in a work or ministry environment have been attracted to a secretary or coworker who is cheerful, eager, and helpful. What often begins as an innocent emotional attachment can end in a miserable, broken marriage.

For a husband to become emotionally attached to a woman who is not his wife is most definitely unbecoming and unseemly. Likewise, for a wife to share deep needs with a man other than her husband is also unbecoming and unseemly. As God’s children, we are to avoid even the appearance of evil and to live above reproach.

Avoid unseemly images of all kinds

The lurking dangers of pornography are increasingly available in our modern day. In earlier times, a man had to go to a public store to purchase pornography and then face a cashier in order to pay for it. In later years, the mailman delivered the offensive magazine or book. However, today, sin is now only a swipe or a click away.

Many pastors are unaware that an engaging, seemingly upright deacon in the pew would have a personal struggle with pornography. Likewise, many fathers would be heartbroken to learn that their sons have been exposed to evil images through friends, the internet, and a multitude of other avenues. Pornography takes what God intended for good and instead arouses God-given desires to be fulfilled in unrighteous ways.

Pornography is unseemly and unbecoming. It is not only ugly; it is sinful. Beware of it and guard your eyes, soul, and emotions! Pornography is deadly. Husbands and wives must be open and honest in their commitment to keep one another accountable. A couple will do well to be alert and keep their home free of this uncleanness that poisons marriages and destroys lives.