The seventh description of covenant love in I Corinthians 13 is that charity “seeketh not her own” (verse 5). What are the implications of seeking our own things? How can we reflect the love of God in our marriage by pursuing, instead of our own concerns, the good of our wife or husband?
The Greek phrase used here in I Corinthians 13:5 that is translated “seeketh not her own” is οὐ ζητεῖ τὰ ἑαυτῆς (ou zetei ta eautes). A literal rendering could be expressed by saying that charity “is not constantly seeking the things of itself.” In other words, true love is not self-centered.
What are a few practical considerations that we can draw from this important text?
Love is not self-seeking
No man or woman should ever approach the marriage altar with a list of ways that a bride or groom can be “a blessing to me”! Too many immature young people eagerly anticipate marriage with a notepad (real or imaginary) filled with a list of benefits that they hope to gain from marriage. Godly love strives to give rather than striving to get. Real love is motivated to bless rather than seeking to be blessed. True blessing comes in seeking the welfare of others.
Love is not self-serving
Have you ever lounged in an easy chair on a hot, humid day, hoping that your spouse will bring you a cool, refreshing beverage? We all have self-centered desires, even in the best of marriages. In subtle—or not so subtle ways—we daily express our selfishness, such as “Get me this,” or “Give me that!” or “Would you run an errand for me?” Phrases like these often spring from our hearts to our lips, for it is from the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks. These requests betray an inner selfishness that we should constantly be on guard against. Christlike love looks for ways to serve rather than looking for ways to be served.
Love is not self-indulging
Many hopes and expectations are shattered on the marriage bed when men or women selfishly seek their own physical pleasure at the expense of the pleasure of their spouse. Men and women have very different physical and emotional needs. For a man to “know” his wife in the true Biblical fashion, he must intimately and lovingly seek her welfare in a tender and understanding way.
When one spouse lovingly yields to the needs of another, the one is fulfilling the Apostle Paul’s instruction given in I Corinthians 7:3-4, “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.”
Love is not self-focused
All too often, selfishness is revealed by an all-consuming focus upon one’s self. For example, a self-centered husband will not take the time to notice a special meal that his wife has prepared, or he may brush off a thoughtful comment she makes because he is thinking about what he wants to say or a work matter that is distracting him. Similarly, a self-centered wife will be consumed in her own projects and friends, and too busy to take any time to honor and express gratitude to her husband.
In a marriage, true love will motivate each spouse to focus their attention upon one another. The drive to be aware of the other’s welfare will rule above all personal and selfish considerations. Rather than seeking our own needs or desires, we would do well to look and seek out ways to meet the needs of our spouse. Striving to know the other one’s cares and joys will bring true and lasting completeness to the marriage.
