How active can and should parents be in the selection and pursuit of a spouse for their children? This perplexing question has given rise to much controversy and misunderstanding among Christians. One of the chief difficulties in answering this question is that the Bible does not mandate a universal rule in the matter.
Abraham initiated the search of a wife for Isaac.
In the case of Isaac, clearly his father, Abraham, had a direct and personal role in the choice of a bride. According to Genesis 24, Abraham gave a solemn charge to Eliezer, his servant: “And Abraham said unto his eldest servant of his house, that ruled over all that he had, Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh: And I will make thee swear by the LORD, the God of heaven, and the God of the earth, that thou shalt not take a wife unto my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell: But thou shalt go unto my country, and to my kindred, and take a wife unto my son Isaac” (verses 2–4).
It is noteworthy that Abraham did not directly choose the bride himself, and it must also be acknowledged that neither did Isaac. The Lord directed in the selection of Rebekah, and both Abraham and his son, Isaac, trusted the Lord to bring the bride of His choosing.
Isaac gave guidelines for the selection of a bride for Jacob.
In the case of Jacob, Isaac gave very clear instructions on whom Jacob was to marry. Perhaps motivated by his older son Esau’s poor choice of Canaanite wives, Isaac did not want his younger son Jacob to make the same mistake. “And Isaac called Jacob, and blessed him, and charged him, and said unto him, Thou shalt not take a wife of the daughters of Canaan. Arise, go to Padanaram, to the house of Bethuel thy mother’s father; and take thee a wife from thence of the daughters of Laban thy mother’s brother” (Genesis 28:1–2). Although Isaac was not physically present to guide his son’s choice of a bride, his fatherly influence and guidance benefited Jacob.
Jacob had no influence on the selection of a bride for Joseph.
In the case of Joseph, we see that not always does a father have a direct role in the marriage of his son. Neither did Joseph himself, for that matter. “And Pharaoh called Joseph’s name Zaphnathpaaneah; and he gave him to wife Asenath the daughter of Potipherah priest of On. And Joseph went out over all the land of Egypt” (Genesis 41:45). Jacob did not even know that his son Joseph was alive, and neither Joseph nor his father had much choice in the selection of an Egyptian bride.
These examples indicate that it is difficult to use anecdotal Scriptural examples as a prescriptive mandate for any given situation. Not always will a Rebekah come to water the camels at the well. Some sons do not have a father present to guide them at all. Courtships do not always fit into a neat, tidy pattern.
However, one matter that is consistent and clear is the fifth commandment: “Honor thy father and thy mother.” This commandment always applies in every situation. In a future article, we will consider the implications of this commandment for courtship and marriage more thoroughly.
