There is a good deal of controversy in Christian circles about how much physical intimacy can be enjoyed before marriage. Holding hands? Hugging? Kissing? Walks or drives alone together? Walking arm in arm? Some Christian families say yes to three of these but no to two. Others say no to two activities and yes to three. Still, others would forbid any of the five.
Many sincere efforts have been made at proposing Scriptural guidelines for these important and practical matters. But such attempts often result in contradictions and leave the teacher open to criticisms of inconsistency or of twisting the Scripture to say what it is not saying.
The truth is that the Bible does not regulate some of these matters. Other than clear prohibitions of fornication and some specific guidance that Paul instructed in I Corinthians chapters 6 and 7, there is no verse of Scripture that we can definitively point to that says whether or not a man can hold hands with the woman he is courting or whether he can take a walk alone with her.
Does this mean that God has left us without guidance in this matter of physical interaction with a potential mate? Are we free to do whatever we feel like doing or what we think is appropriate? Is an individual’s conscience to be his guide? As every honest person knows, conscience can lead us astray. Our emotional feelings can also lead us where we ought not go. Is there anything that can reliably guide us in this matter of physical contact before marriage?
Receiving God-ordained guidance: Exodus 20:12
Indeed, a very important Scriptural command does apply to this important question of physical intimacy before marriage. “Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee” (Exodus 20:12). Any young man who is considering courtship should seek out advice from his own parents as well as the parents of the young lady he is pursuing. Any young lady who is in a courtship should take care to learn from her father and mother what is expected of her and what they advise. The advice of spiritual leaders such as pastors and elders should also be taken carefully into account.
This process of seeking counsel will build relationships of trust: trust between a young man and his prospective in-laws, trust between a young lady and her prospective in-laws, and trust between the two young people themselves. A young lady who willingly submits to the counsel of her parents is a person who will readily submit to her husband as the Lord commands.
Maintaining a Christian witness: Romans 14:7
Besides counsel from wise, respected advisers, another guideline would consider cultural norms as well as Christian liberty. Different cultural situations and different eras may call for different levels of caution. There are cultures and countries, even today, when a man would never even be seen publicly speaking to an unmarried young woman.
In the context of many different questions regarding Christian liberty, the Apostle Paul wrote, “For none of us liveth to himself, and no man dieth to himself” (Romans 14:7). This statement reminds us that the things that we do or do not do and the liberties that we take or do not take are not to be decided merely on what we like or don’t like personally. These questions regarding how we are to behave appropriately must be considered in the wider context of our Christian values and testimony for the Lord before others, both believers and unbelievers.
What we do and don’t do should be carefully considered as to the impact it may have upon friends, neighbors, unsaved family members, and even upon younger siblings. May God give each of us—as parents, as counselors, and as young men and women involved in a courtship—the wisdom to approach these important questions with a humble and discerning spirit.
